Obsessive, To A Fault

Picture credit: yourelikemusic via SleepyJane.

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So the thing about my Boyfriend is this. He’s a Virgo, right? And fully obsessed with over-analysing and over-thinking things, like most Virgos are.

There are a lot of things that bother him – mostly to do with himself, and dealing with his temper and trying to be a better person, a better man, a better father and a better son.

He’s constantly plagued by the feeling that he’s not quite good enough, that he’s not entitled to make mistakes and that if he does make mistakes, it means he’s not a good person. Can’t seem to grasp the fact that making mistakes is what makes us human.

Along with this tendency to over-analyse and over-think things is his tendency to dwell in the past. To bring up things that have happened many years ago, and want to go over them, in excruciating detail.

When I say he has a tendency to dwell in the past, the part that bothers me most is his tendency to dwell in *my* past. To bring up things about the way I used to live my life, the person I used to be, and the things I used to do.

He has a serious issue with a certain aspect of my life. For politeness sake, let’s just say that in this regard, I had what is sometimes known as a “very checkered past”. Some things happened to me. Things that removed the most important illusion we have in life: choice.

As a result, I did many things, after that (voluntarily, mostly) because I felt that the choice that was taken away from me, made that thing in life, not as important as it should have been. And if it wasn’t important, then why should it matter if I did it again and again and again.

He has a problem with this. He has a problem with the fact that he is (in his words) “one of many, and not,” as he wishes it could be “one of few”. Fair enough. I wish I could change that too.

He gets angry with me when I say I have no regrets. And I say I have no regrets, because if I admit to regret, that’s like admitting that a huge chunk of my life was a waste of time. And also saying that everything that happened to me in the past, that lead me to where I am today, means nothing.

I’m a believer in the “everything happens for a reason” life philosophy. There is no such thing as a co-incidence, and there’s no such thing as an accident. Every single little decision has a major impact on my life, somewhere down the road. Be it the next day, or in twenty years time.

All the pain, all of the self-loathing and destructive behaviour lead me to where I am today. Loved by a gorgeous, generous, dedicated man. A man who will do anything for me. Give me anything. A man who is father to my beautiful, funny, clever little son. And if going back into my past and removing any of the shitty things that happened to me, or the shitty things I did meant there was the slightest chance I wouldn’t end up where I am today, there’s no chance I would do it.

He understands this thinking of mine. He grasps it, but doesn’t seem to be able to comprehend it. He battles, still, with the things I have done in my past. And yes, I know, Sheena – I’m allowed to have a past. Also, I know that he loves me and that I love him – but would he have stayed with me, knowing my past, if not for the fact that we had a Kid together? He says (and I can’t fault him for his honesty) that he doubts it.

I don’t see this as a negative, either. If not for The Kid – the chances of me dealing with all of his issues about my issues and his temper, are slim to none. I was like that. I had a tendency to gap it, given half a chance. Commitment-phobic and self-absorbed? That was me, before The Kid.

And then The Kid came along, and cemented the fate of two people who were meant to be together, but clearly needed a little push. A little incentive. And we made it work. Being with The Boyfriend really has made me a better person. I’m not nearly as selfish as I used to be, I put the needs of my family before my own. I listen to my conscience and even acknowledge its presence, most times. I’m a better person. A kinder person. A more affectionate/loving/emotional/committed person than I was before. I feel better about myself and I’ve put my past, and the person I used to be, behind me.

But someone hasn’t. And that someone reminds me that I used to be that kind of person. By his inability to accept and deal with my past. Lately he’s been asking questions. And asking of me more than I feel capable of giving: excruciating details – the how, why, when, where, why not and every single other little detail his Virgo brain can think to pick over and examine.

Sometimes my stories don’t match, and his elephant memory (fuck me, he never forgets ANYTHING) picks it up and I’m left scrambling around in my brain to try to remember. *My* memory sucks and I pay no attention to the kinds of details he does. So asking me questions and getting my sparse answers only seems to leave him more frustrated.

It also has another negative side-effect. It makes me hurt. At the time I was doing what I was doing, I was blind to it. I didn’t notice the self-destruction and the pain. Until I eventually got to a point in my life and that pain was no longer there, and I could actually identify the source of that pain. So bringing all of it up, hurts. Helping him deal with his issues hurts me.

So when he asks questions, I withdraw. He gets angry because he thinks I’m lying. He doesn’t believe me when I say I don’t remember. And I actually don’t. I’ve replaced most of those memories with good ones. I’ve let those memories fade, by not evereverever allowing myself to think about them.

I reached a point the other day. When he sent me a text message along the lines of: ‘dont get cross, but I have another question. and I need you to answer it, with some detail‘. I said I’d try, and  he asked the question. And I refused to answer it. Not because I was ashamed. But because I’d reached a point where I could see that my answering his questions wasn’t helping him any more.

It was only fuelling his tendency to over-think things. Providing him with more unanswered questions. Ones that I would eventually have to tend to – at the expense of my own personal sanity, and at the expense of everything I have become.

And so I refused to answer any more questions. But my refusal to answer questions left things up to his own imagination. And, like any other man (and Virgo) he assumed the worst. Which was far worse than what happened, in reality.

I need him to accept that I’ve changed. I need him to accept that my past is done, and there’s nothing he (or I) can do about it. I need him to let me be the better person I am because of him. I need him to leave it alone. I need for it not to matter to him.

How do I get that?

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13 Responses to Obsessive, To A Fault

  1. NickiD says:

    First of all … does he have a SPOTLESS past? I doubt it?! Secondly, as you said, you would not be where you are TODAY if it weren’t for the things that happened/you did in the past! I was meant to study graphic design straight out of school. But my Dad went broke and, literally, ran away from his debts so I was left alone, 17 and penniless. BUT I got started as a Girl Friday in a small law firm, which lead to me getting a job as a legal secretary at another firm where my NOW husband (and even more importantly, father of our BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT little boy) was a partner. Had I gone off to do what I love, design, I would NEVER have met him and I would NEVER have had my little Luca. There is just one concept he needs to grasp and that is: THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON! Sounds like the Virgo BF is being a little over-critical and isn’t truly appreciating the here and now. Look at you! A workin’ girl, awesome mom and happy little “wifey” … he’s got a near-perfect life and he’s dwelling on shit that has no relevance! You’re awesome and YOU KNOW IT! Just make HIM know 😀 x

  2. Shebee says:

    I agree with this chick Nickid above me. Every word.
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..Test Post From BlogDesk =-.

  3. Shebee says:

    Also, I hate that all your comments are in italics. It hurts my brainz.
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..Test Post From BlogDesk =-.

  4. cassey says:

    I think that what nickid said makes sense, but also maybe a little more time and some more repeat of things happen for a reason will help. Guys can be such sillies. Hope he starts to let go of those thoughts soon.
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..Today, was not a good day =-.

  5. Dawn says:

    We’ve had the EVERYTHING happens for a reason shoved in our face so bad by miz destiny.. (job wise though, but i think the job part was also done by miz destiny so that our relationship wouldnt fall apart when he was working in CT.)

    Tell him to stop trying to control everything. Take that from me, and i iz a reformed control freak. It’s better you start forgetting. It’s ancient history anyway, neh?

  6. Wenchy says:

    Sjoe babe… u made such perfect sense to me.

    I’ve done things I deeply regret, things have happened to me that I had no control over… I’ve made good and bad choices and I’ve paid for them of them harshly… but how to get somebody else to just accept me as I am… I don’t know. Most people have ideas about how things should be and if you don’t fit the mold… which I dont

    Btw.. I am not a virgo but apparently I over-think and analyze things… I use to like this about me… now I don’t know who to be.
    .-= Wenchy´s last blog ..Who are you = Wenchy’s edition =-.

  7. wobbly01 says:

    i can truly relate to this post-im also involved with a overthinking possesive virgo who also often questions previous actions of mine the road in the relationship has been a long windy and sometimes rocky road. these men just need to accept that we all have pasts i know i wasnt his first just like he wasnt my first but we have a beautiful little girl who we both love dearly and that is what keeps us together and stregnthens the relationship.

  8. Angel says:

    Oy babe… I’m really sorry he’s having such a hard time accepting the past as the past, and I’m sorry its hurting you so.
    Have you told him how it hurts you when he brings it up again and again?
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..So Much Of Recognition, It’s Like Wow! =-.

  9. Bobbi Janay says:

    Girl I too have a past, but unlike you Casey doesn’t ask to know about it. I have told him most of it but he says he would love me no matter what the past was, it isn’t who I am now. The Boyfriend needs to realize this and move forward and not dwell in the past. Dwelling does nothing to help the future.
    .-= Bobbi Janay ´s last blog ..Anger and lots of it =-.

  10. barbetti says:

    My husband had a very checkered past when I met him. He was up-front with me, told me everything that he’d done. We had a few really rough, horrible patches in the beginning and then we found out I was pregnant, four months into the relationship. A year later, we got married.

    And all of those bumps were SO worth it. You seem to know exactly how fortunate you are to have such an awesome boyfriend and son, and my husband feels the same exact way. He says it took all his stumbling and mistakes in the past to see how good he has it, to realize how grateful he is. That past is a part of you and your boyfriend needs to accept it and move on. You’re here, with him and your son, now and that’s all that matters. 🙂
    .-= barbetti´s last blog ..Bruschetta – The Barbetti Way =-.

  11. cornelia says:

    Weird, this issue you write about is something I am experiencing in reverse. I am alot like your bf with reharshing the past ans wanting to understand things. It’s almost like I sometimes think he is still the same “bad” person. Despite knowing he’s not.

    Your post has really made me think though… Your response to your bf is very similar to the response I get from my bf when I ask and ask and ask the same things again and again.

    🙁 I am sorry you have to keep justifying yourself. It’s not really fair. Maybe your bf can do what I have found useful: when I start doubting him and our relationship, I start reading silly relationship advice like Dr Phil online. Positive things like how to improve communication etc. It distracts me from thinking my bf is still that nasty one-night-standing bachelor and helps me focus on identifying all the good things he does for me, and how healthy our relationship truely is.

    I believe that we have issues that we can’t handle and as a result take them out on those we love most. I also believe that your bf should realise that there is no way you will return to your “old ways”. I have had to realise this slowly and even though it still hurts sometimes and I get self conscious about things when rarely he jokes about “old times”, it’s ok. He’s stuck with me and been MIGHTY consistent for 2yrs + 3 months.

    Good luck. I know it’s not easy.

  12. Dawn says:

    2nd comment – Tell him you’ve kissed your frogs and now you’ve met your prince.. and this is now the end of the interrogation..

  13. Taryn says:

    Oh good lord, you and your bf are like my ex and I – except I’m the Virgo 🙂 down to an absolute tee. Your bf and I should start a support group

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