Honesty: Worth It?

For some unknown reason, upon meeting my Boyfriend for the very first time, I decided to be honest with him. Don’t ask me why. But perhaps it had a little something to do with the fact that about a week after meeting him I decided to move up to Joburg, from Durban. I decided to accept the offer to study at a certain law school and I decided that I rather fancied this blonde-haired, blue-eyed, constant foot-in-mouth man.

I decided to be honest with him. No holds-barred honesty. Honesty in a way I’d never permitted with anyone else, before. Mostly because I had no intentions of being with anyone long enough for them to actually get to know me, lest they discover that there’s more to me than meets the eye. Lest they discover my insecurities, my issues, you know, my stuff.

Honesty, I decided, was the best policy. If he stuck around, knowing the truth, then he was the real deal. A test of sorts, I guess. I told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And I heard nothing much more about it for the next few months. Then the questions started. The probing. The questioning of motives and, what felt to me, like judging.

It’s a horrible feeling, being judged by the man who is supposed to love you more than anything in this world. The same questions would crop up, again and again. I’d try and answer as best as I could, but the fact that I could never really give concrete answers to most of them, because that particular question never really occured to me at the time. And with at least five years between me and the person I used to be, has allowed for my memory to suppress a lot of the details.

Perhaps ‘suppress’ is a bit of a strong word. Perhaps I’ve just replaced all of those memories with happier, purer ones. Ones I’ve made since 9 December 2006. All the right things. What happened in the past, and the person I used to be, has been left behind, for the most part. The only thing that remains is the perpetual grumpiness and a tendency to be selfish and crave alone-time.

I am a better person (mostly) for meeting The Boyfriend. I am a nicer person, too. I don’t dwell on my past, I don’t question my past-motives and I don’t regret anything I’ve done. Because – like i’m fond of saying – everything happens for a reason. My Boyfriend doesn’t understand this. He thinks that because I regret nothing, I have no conscience. My reply is always that my conscience was ever-present and knew full-well the difference between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ but I chose to ignore it.

And I guess that’s part of the problem for him. Because he doesn’t understand what it is that prevents me from being that person again. That person who ignores a cognisant conscience. He doesn’t understand that it’s him.

The questions have started again, these last few weeks. Even more than before, and with earnest.

Even though I’ve explained to him numerous times that it’s not benefiting our relationship or me or him in any way, by me answering his questions. Even though I’ve pointed out to him each and every time that my answers to his questions only lead to more questions. Even though I point out to him that he’s asked me this question a handful of times before.

Sometimes my answers are different, when I do choose to answer the questions. This creates problems. Which really makes things complicated. How do I explain that the only reason why my answer is different, is because I don’t really remember anymore, without sounding like I’m lying?

He says his questions are mainly curiosity, but sometimes I can’t help but feeling an inkling of how-could-you behind his questions. And so, as I’m writing this, my Blackberry vibrates with  text message. “the problem I have with your past….” is how it begins.

So fucking over this. How do I make it stop.

Honestly, honesty doesn’t really seem all that worth it, right now.

dulcetdisguise: (via mrgolightly) via wildheartscantbebroken.

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17 Responses to Honesty: Worth It?

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention ExMi » Honesty: Worth It? -- Topsy.com

  2. NickiD says:

    Huge props for being so honest with the BF. I have to admit that I have kept certain things from my husband. For his sanity, my well-being and for the sake of our marriage. I’ve known since the day I met him that he is high maintenance and VERY judgemental. So I made the call to “start afresh” with him. What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him. Ya know? Shame honey-pie … I know how you feel though … drink that energybzzzzzzzzzzstuff and hopefully things will get easier xxx

  3. Dawn says:

    Fuck that. I kissed frogs to get where i am. I was a heartless bitch, it made me the awesome person i am now, understanding how to fix me. I GREW UP. If hubby doesnt like it, i’m not keeping him hostage at the house. So he stays BY CHOICE.

    PS – I haz a spare room … welcome anytime.

  4. mommanats says:

    Please remind your man that he has a dick between his legs. He moans and groans and reflects on the past like a little insecure teenage girl.

    Really. Get the fuck over it by now! It’s done and dusted. He should accept this and concentrate on building more good memories with you and the kid!
    .-= mommanats´s last blog ..I feel like this because…… =-.

  5. Gina says:

    Oh hun. Its sucky when the other half doesn’t see that they are what makes you a better person.
    I sometimes look at Paul and ask why? Why are you with ‘me’?
    His answer is always that he loves me, that I make him a better person. For the most part I cannot see how I l(little old me, nothing special about me) can make ‘him’ a better person.
    Its my insecurity in myself that sometimes blocks me from seeing how ‘I’ can make such a difference to ‘him’.
    Perhaps The Boyfriend doesn’t see how he can be that person for you… (even though it seems so obvious to you)
    Also, have you thought about seeing a councilor, a neutral 3rd party who isn’t biased by emotions, someone who you can talk through the questions with and maybe then you can both have closure on your past?
    Talking to a 3rd party helped us at one point, it certainly cant hurt.
    .-= Gina´s last blog ..Protected: Lucky #12? =-.

  6. Dawn says:

    Sorry, first line came out wrong – “kissed frogs to meet my prince”. I also live life by “everything happens for a reason”. Didnt get killer job cos an even better one is around the corner.

  7. cassey says:

    Gah, the whole thing sucks. I think Gina is on a great track with “it might be his insecurities” and that maybe talking to another person could help. I hope that he gets where you’re coming from soon.
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..Why this long weekend might suck =-.

  8. blackhuff says:

    It is sad to hear that he is questioning your past as if you have done something wrong.

    My past is too dark to speak about and not even my hubby knows what have happened in my past because when you start to break down the barrier and spill everything of your past (the past that have happened before the person you are with), then there are nothing to protect you anymore. You’re vulnarable. I do not even want to know ever single thing of my husband’s past, so I do not feel the need to share that with him. There’s no need, it’s in the past, let’s keep it there.

    I hope that he will left your past alone. Strongs.

  9. Alet says:

    Course it is worth it! May still be irritating, but it is definitely worth it! And you will keep answering his questions, because although it doesn’t feel it, he is dealing with things in his own way every time it is discussed!

    hang in there!
    .-= Alet´s last blog ..Easter 2010 =-.

  10. flarkus says:

    I reckon it’s a phase, which many serious couples go through. This too, will pass

  11. Angel says:

    Oh ExMi…
    I wish I could give you some advice.
    I wish he could see.
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..Caption Competition! =-.

  12. rbyrbyrby says:

    Honestly, I’d suggest couples therapy. It’ll be a great way for you guys to put this stuff to bed once and for all and move on with the beautiful lives you share 🙂

  13. rbyrbyrby says:

    Couples therapy is really not a bad idea. There’s some very open minded therapists out there that can make all the difference to your relationship. Think about it. Your relationship is SO worth saving. You know it

  14. Fairy Girl says:

    So sorry to hear you are going thru this. We all have a past and I believe that sometimes that is exactly where it should stay ……….in the past. It was brave of you to reveal your all, he needs to understand that.
    .-= Fairy Girl´s last blog ..Random =-.

  15. Sometimes what is past is past. Never to be visited again. I did at a stage start to share some of my past I did not want to with Hunter and lo and behold – it brought us closer. But it was on my decision, not his insistence – and is the important part.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Just popping in to tell you…. =-.

  16. It sounds like no matter what you say it is not going to be the right answer.

    I have no advice. Just a hope that you guys can come to some sort of resolution.

  17. Charms says:

    Very brave of you to be so open and honest. I’m not that brave and prefer the past to stay just that – the past.

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