Stuff…And…More Stuff

I suck at communicating. No, really.

I suck at verbalising my feelings and conveying why I feel the way I do. I don’t really analyse the how/why I feel the way I do, anyway. I usually just embrace the emotion/mindframe and ride it out until it changes/is replaced by some new emotion.

Perhaps it’s the passive-aggressive in me – I feel certain things and expect other people to be able to just know what I’m feeling and why. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I hate confrontation – of any sorts – and actually addressing how I’m feeling involves some sort of confrontation, too. Hencewhy and whereforth it should be avoided. At all costs.

Sigh.

Even blogging about this stuff feels…wrong. I’m not one of those touchy-feely-let’s-talk-about-our-feelings-and-sing-Kumbaya types. It stays bottled up, if I can at all help it. Don’t ask me how I am, and expect an answer other than ‘fine’. I’m fine. I’m always fine. Only I’m not.

Lately I’ve been feeling fine – if you take ‘fine’ to mean ‘not coping. not coping at all’. Which is why I’ve been scarce on my blog. Because I’m cool with oversharing and talking about my Kid and whining about everything under the sun – but I’m not okay with sharing what’s really going on inside this blonde head. I’m not okay with discussing emotional turmoil or anything that might give away the fact that I’m not as calm and collected as I’d (like to) appear to be. “Feeling” things is for sissies and people who need therapy and I’ve been there in that therapists office, discussing my feelings – to no avail. What’s the point of discussing how you feel and paying someone to listen, when it doesn’t really help?

So I’ve always kept my emotions separate, closed off.( If that makes sense.) To me, emotions are something that can be switched on and off. The Boyfriend finds this ability of mine disturbingly remarkable. They’re either there, or they’re not – there’s no ambivalence. Perhaps this is because I’m an all-or-nothing person. Extremist. I either want to do something, or I don’t – and there’s no way in hell, once I’ve made my mind up, that I’m going to change it. I either feel something, or I don’t and if it’s not there, I can’t pretend.

Strangely enough – I heard something yesterday that struck me – that which we think to be separate/completely different, is actually one and the same thing – the separation is an illusion. Um. Yes. I’m so intent on categorising everything in my life and placing everything under neat little filing labels: “work things”, “love things”, “parenting things” and “relationship things” that I forget they’re all the same thing – my life. My experience. My emotions. My baggage and my crosses to bear. Past, present, future – there’s no distinction to be drawn (other than an artificial one, marked by the ticking of the clock and the marching of the calendar) between these. Despite the fact that I’ve firmly closed the door on my past and drawn a distinction between then and now by calling it “Stuff That Happened Before The Boyfriend”.

I suck at communicating.

My Boyfriend, on the other hand, does not suck at communicating. Although his methodology leaves much to be desired. He’s all in-your-face about what I did that made him feel XYZ, and mouthing off about everything that impacts on his world. He has no past/present/future distinctions – it’s all NOW and there’s no closing the door on the past. I’m still paying for things I did that I’ve filed under “Stuff That Happened Before The Boyfriend”. I’m still being questioned, interrogated about the details and cross-questioned about everything and anything, regardless of whether it happened yesterday or ten years ago.

And it’s hard to pretend to be fine with all of it, because I’m not. I’m not fine with dredging up shit that went down nearly a decade ago. I’m not okay with dissecting the person I used to be – because as far as I’m concerned, I really am separate from my past. Illusion or not, I’ve shut the lid on that particular box of lizards and don’t really want to stick my hand in it.

I’m not fine with the way he looks at me, when he asks me YET ANOTHER FUCKING QUESTION ABOUT MY PAST. I’m not fine with the disgust in his voice, and the contempt on his face. Not even a little bit. I clam up and the most that I can bring myself to utter is either “fuck off” or “whatever”. This from the person who manipulates words for a living. This from the person who usually has no problem with oversharing. I find myself utterly unable to communicate, when it comes to explaining my past, or talking about the shit that happened in days gone by.

I don’t live in the past. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to re-live it. I don’t want to re-hash it. I don’t want to even think about it.

Is that so wrong?

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15 Responses to Stuff…And…More Stuff

  1. BlindCripple says:

    You have your ways of dealing with things. Everyone does. My blog is my therapy. That’s the only place I’m able to be fully honest and open without any fear.

    If you don’t want to talk about the past, you shouldn’t have to, but I can see where he’s coming from. It’s made you now, but doesn’t mean you have to re-live it.

  2. BlindCripple says:

    Fuck. I wasn’t finished. What I was saying, is that this is you You over-share and tell us about your nonsensical musings because that’s how you deal. And we love you for it.

    And, fyi, I thought this was one of your best posts, and made perfect sense to me…

  3. Nope it’s not. The past is the past. Overs-kadovers!

  4. cassey says:

    No one is as calm and collected as they’d like to be, and most of us do just do the “I’m fine”. It sucks that the boyfriend is being dumb about things that you’ve let go. Hope he gets to the “just letting it go” space soon and that the disgust and contempt [which I don’t think anyone deserves for living their life their way] leaves aswell.
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..A bushel of thoughts =-.

  5. Angel says:

    My heart aches for you that the BF can’t seem to see what you are now, and be okay with it all…

  6. MeganTS says:

    I have the same issues with Richard. Sadly, I can’t offer any useful advice, because every conversation about the shadier elements of my past ends in a screaming match, but if I ever get anywhere, i’ll let you know. xx

  7. blackhuff says:

    It seems that you blog does not want to open on IS.

    It’s not wrong at all. I myself also do not want to think or relive my past because that is exactly what it is, my past to stay there where it is.
    .-= blackhuff´s last blog ..Feels like a year and compliment =-.

  8. Panni says:

    You should be allowed to only share what you want about your past. I really hope that he can leave it be and get over the issues he has with your past.

  9. Bobbi Janay says:

    From someone who is some what like the BF, I can see where he comes from wanting to know but not the judging. I don’t judge what Casey has done in the past I just want to know everything about him because I love him and care about him.
    .-= Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..What if it isnt enough =-.

  10. Wenchy says:

    I am not the same person I was a year ago… and I don’t wanna deal with the crap that person did when it currently has no bearing on who I am now, or what I am doing.

    I hear you.

  11. Louisa says:

    I do the “fine” thing too…when my fine is actually not fine I tend to go quiet too.

    There is a difference between passionately NOT wanting to talk about something, and indifferently just not caring about it enough any more to recap it? Either way it’s quite rude to pick at things someone clearly don’t want to discuss. When they’re ready they will talk.

    Good luck getting him to butt out.
    .-= Louisa´s last blog ..186 – 192 of 365 =-.

  12. Kerryn says:

    Hey there. I don’t usually comment, but thought I’d add my R1-50 to this one . . . .
    You are obviously much more adept at communicating with the written word, than with the spoken word. Have you ever thought of putting down how you feel (particularly about your past, and his constant questioning of it) down on paper? Write him an old fashioned letter just getting it all out there?
    You can then put a lot of thought in to what you want to say, and how you want to say it.
    Just a thought. I find expressing myself in written word much easier than spoken word – it takes all the emotional reactions out of the equation.

  13. Gina says:

    I have the exact opposite problem with Paul, I am the one who needs to hash it all out, get to the nitty gritty and deal with it, Paul is the one who does not communicate, he is the one that says ‘Im fine’… Drives me nuts 🙂
    As Kerryn says, maybe you need to write it out for him, put all those words on paper. I know that sometimes that is the only way Paul can talk to me and he has often written me an email explaining how he feels…
    .-= Gina´s last blog ..When standing up works… =-.

  14. Bonita says:

    ..it’s really awesome when you can both agree that “the past has passed, let’s leave it there”..

    Unless your pasts have crossed paths in some bad way, there really isn’t any reason to drag issues into the “n0w”..?!

  15. Alet says:

    In my experience feeling things comes out, whether you want to deal with it or not. At some point you have no choice. When that time comes, you deal with it in a way you feel most comfortable.

    The boyfriend thing is terrible. I admire your honesty because for the most part, I only give the general gist of the experience rather than the detail.

    Thinking of you!!
    xx
    .-= Alet´s last blog ..Surname Change and Abandonment Act =-.

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