Trust: How Do You Un-Fuck With It?

Apparently I trust* people too easily. This is what my Boyfriend thinks. He thinks it’s bad judge of character on my part. To trust, as he says, so easily. I don’t see it that way. I see it as a process of growth, this trusting someone new, until they fuck me over. The trust starts out small, and the longer the person doesn’t fuck with my trust, the bigger portion of my life and thoughts and dreams and shit that clutters my brain, that gets shared with them.

I am a good judge of character. I’m not saying I’m excellent. By no means. Sometimes I am a little naive, and I do want to believe the best of people. Believe it or not, I’m not a complete cold bitch from the start. The Boyfriend is different. He either trusts someone, straightaway (extremely rare) or not at all. So you can imagine that there’s a whole world filled with people out there, that he doesn’t trust.

A new person’s first impression on me isn’t that important. Why? Because generally I suck with remembering people, names and faces anyway. Upon introducing myself to someone I think I’ve never met before, I’m usually met with the response “yeah, I know. We’ve met before. A few times.” It’s the continued ability to make an impression on me (and as such, make you likelier to be remembered) that counts towards building up trust.

Building up trust is about taking chances. It’s true. Think about it this way. There’s always the potential for fuck-up when you trust someone new with something important, and in so trusting them, you take the risk that they won’t. That they wont fuck up. That the chance was a calculated risk, that was worth it.

All this is fine. I have no problem trusting on a general level. I have no problem trusting on an interpersonal level. I have no problem keeping important secrets. I just have issues with trust specifically. I have issues with trusting trust. For a long time I was not a very trustworthy person. I did a lot of notverynice things. To one person in specific. One person that trusted me. One person that thought he was committed to me, and that it would work the other way around too.

During this time I enhanced an already brilliant ability to lie. To lie without thinking twice, or even examining my conscience to see if there existed such a thing as guilt inside me. Combine the ability to lie with a dormant conscience, and you soon start to see why I would have issues with trust. If it was so easy for me to bullshit someone else, and not even have them suspect it, what’s to say it’s not happening to me, without my knowledge?

As for bullshit. That little bit of spice that makes the difference between reality and that world you wished you lived in. Bullshit’s attractive because it’s not real. Because it’s not your reality. And when you have someone that’s not very good friends with the truth and you find that perhaps that someone is feeling a bit overwhelmed/ not used to dealing with what’s real and what’s right now, you have the potential to wonder. About the grass being greener and skies being bluer and forgetting what’s right there in front of you.

Trust. It’s that word that comes between you and having your cake and eating it. Trust. It’s that word you use when you realise that all your eggs are, in fact, in one basket. It’s the word that you boost yourself with, when the slack you’re causing, is picked up. It’s the word that reminds you. The difference. Between bullshit. And reality.

Between what you want. And what you need. And once you start making that distinction. It starts becoming easier to trust again.

*After the forty-ninth time of using this word, it lost all meaning and comprehension to me, and I had to spellcheck it to see if it was right.

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8 Responses to Trust: How Do You Un-Fuck With It?

  1. Po says:

    It takes guts to trust someone. Haha I also get that thing where I use a word so often the my brain doesn’t comprehend it any more. Is there a word for this phenomenon?
    .-= Po´s last blog ..I’m a scientist- get me outta here! =-.

  2. Dawn says:

    Hope you copied and pasted the word *trust there near the end… instead of actually typing it.. so many times… lol

  3. getting by says:

    I have similar issues with the idea of trust :/

    Perhaps in time it will seem more possible, for now i remain a cynic.
    .-= getting by´s last blog ..Hello world! =-.

  4. Vernon says:

    Written from the heart….. I like it !!!

  5. Luca's Mum says:

    Leopard. Leopard.
    Le Pid.
    Leeee ohhhh pard.
    .-= Luca’s Mum´s last blog ..Thoughts on Becoming a Working Mum =-.

  6. I start out with the idea of trusting someone – you know, the benefit of the doubt type of idea. Sadly, it does get me into trouble.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Friday – 27 August 2010 =-.

  7. daisy says:

    Great post! It gave me something to reflect on and consider.

    I have trust issues – but for different reasons. I think it’s my LACK of ability to bullshit that makes it hard for me to trust. I don’t bullshit – and so I can’t really tell when people ARE bullshitting – and because so many people DO – well it just makes things a bit complicated.

    lol – what a coincidence!! I just posted a blog yesterday and one part was about how I want to be around people who mean what they say and say what they mean. I can trust those people – it’s just hard to find them.
    .-= daisy´s last blog ..Uptight Diaries 2-6 – Pic-a-Day returns =-.

  8. Angel says:

    Like you, I have no problem “trusting” people I have just met. I’m not going to tell them my secrets until I know them better, but I assume they are what they say they are because I expect them to take me for what I say I am too.
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..Lookit Lookit! =-.

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