Apparently I trust* people too easily. This is what my Boyfriend thinks. He thinks it’s bad judge of character on my part. To trust, as he says, so easily. I don’t see it that way. I see it as a process of growth, this trusting someone new, until they fuck me over. The trust starts out small, and the longer the person doesn’t fuck with my trust, the bigger portion of my life and thoughts and dreams and shit that clutters my brain, that gets shared with them.
I am a good judge of character. I’m not saying I’m excellent. By no means. Sometimes I am a little naive, and I do want to believe the best of people. Believe it or not, I’m not a complete cold bitch from the start. The Boyfriend is different. He either trusts someone, straightaway (extremely rare) or not at all. So you can imagine that there’s a whole world filled with people out there, that he doesn’t trust.
A new person’s first impression on me isn’t that important. Why? Because generally I suck with remembering people, names and faces anyway. Upon introducing myself to someone I think I’ve never met before, I’m usually met with the response “yeah, I know. We’ve met before. A few times.” It’s the continued ability to make an impression on me (and as such, make you likelier to be remembered) that counts towards building up trust.
Building up trust is about taking chances. It’s true. Think about it this way. There’s always the potential for fuck-up when you trust someone new with something important, and in so trusting them, you take the risk that they won’t. That they wont fuck up. That the chance was a calculated risk, that was worth it.
All this is fine. I have no problem trusting on a general level. I have no problem trusting on an interpersonal level. I have no problem keeping important secrets. I just have issues with trust specifically. I have issues with trusting trust. For a long time I was not a very trustworthy person. I did a lot of notverynice things. To one person in specific. One person that trusted me. One person that thought he was committed to me, and that it would work the other way around too.
During this time I enhanced an already brilliant ability to lie. To lie without thinking twice, or even examining my conscience to see if there existed such a thing as guilt inside me. Combine the ability to lie with a dormant conscience, and you soon start to see why I would have issues with trust. If it was so easy for me to bullshit someone else, and not even have them suspect it, what’s to say it’s not happening to me, without my knowledge?
As for bullshit. That little bit of spice that makes the difference between reality and that world you wished you lived in. Bullshit’s attractive because it’s not real. Because it’s not your reality. And when you have someone that’s not very good friends with the truth and you find that perhaps that someone is feeling a bit overwhelmed/ not used to dealing with what’s real and what’s right now, you have the potential to wonder. About the grass being greener and skies being bluer and forgetting what’s right there in front of you.
Trust. It’s that word that comes between you and having your cake and eating it. Trust. It’s that word you use when you realise that all your eggs are, in fact, in one basket. It’s the word that you boost yourself with, when the slack you’re causing, is picked up. It’s the word that reminds you. The difference. Between bullshit. And reality.
Between what you want. And what you need. And once you start making that distinction. It starts becoming easier to trust again.
*After the forty-ninth time of using this word, it lost all meaning and comprehension to me, and I had to spellcheck it to see if it was right.