Diplomatic. I Can Do It.

It’s so hard for me not to write a letter to this woman that consists entirely of the words “fuck you, in your eye”. It’s so hard for me to care about her complaint. It’s so hard for me to take her seriously, because…..well, her complaints have been nothing in comparsion to the shit I’ve had this week.

About half an hour after the car accident, the phone rings. It’s the bloody lady from the complex NEXT DOOR to ours. Complaining about my dogs. There’s tow trucks and fire brigades and all sorts of shit going on, and this woman is trying to complain about my dogs. I’m not in the mood for it. I hang up the phone.Timing. Some people just don’t have it. Giving a shit. I just cant do it.

This lady is complaining about the fact that my dogs bark. I know, right? She’s complaining about the fact that my dogs are dogs. Seriously. Am I supposed to care about shit like this?

A while later the manager of the body corporate something something from the something something at the estate agent phones. To communicate this woman’s complaint. About my dogs. This is not the first time she’s complained. Nor is it even the second. The second time she also picked a bad day. Left a message for me at the security checkpoint at my complex.

I took a stroll over to the next complex and demanded to see the chairperson of the complex next door. So furious was I, that the security guard took a look at the thunderous expression on my face and escorted me personally to her front door. Probably for her own safety. Conversation lasted about 3.4 minutes and I told her that if she could tell me how to stop my dogs from being dogs and if she had actual valid and helpful suggestions on how to stop DOGS FROM BARKING, I’d be more than fucking happy to listen. But until she came up with some valid suggestions, she could, quite honestly go fuck herself. I dared her to lodge a formal complaint. Knowing full well that she probably would, even though she agreed not to. But complaints from neighbouring complexes mean nothing, as I explain in my letter below.

So third time complaining. And now the body corporate of my complex is involved. And there’s letters and there’s phone calls and there’s threats of fines and shit going on. I sent them a very polite letter that basically stated “you have complaints. I have complaints. I’m willing to sort out your complaints. But not unless you sort mine out first. So fuck you”. Only I’ve discovered that I can be diplomatic. For real, and everything.

Check it out:

********************************************

To whom it may concern:

RE: NOISE COMPLAINT

We are aware of the complaint made against us regarding our barking dogs, and have already agreed, after a personal meeting with the Chairperson of the Body Corporate of [INSERT NAME OF NEIGHBOURING COMPLEX], to do whatever we can to keep our dogs quiet.

The chairperson of the complex next door agreed that she would not make a formal complaint against us, provided that we did everything we could to keep them quiet when we were at home, which we have done.

We would also like to draw attention to the fact that there is child in the neighbouring complex that cries incessantly day and night*, directly above the person who lodged the complaint. The gospel music** that blares over our wall almost non-stop is also an issue. As is the yapping Maltese poodle*** four or five flats down, which, in our opinion, is far noisier than our two dogs combined. This constantly barking dog is the reason our dogs bark and add to the general noise levels.

Our dogs bark in response to other dogs or when there’s a disturbance in the neighbourhood, or before a storm. In our opinion, their barking is not incessant. We do everything we can to minimize the noise-disturbance when we’re home, by taking them for long walks and bringing them inside before a storm.  Unfortunately, we cannot control the barking of our dogs while we’re at work. We both have to work in order to afford to live in this complex.

There are many houses within [INSERT COMPLEX NAME] with animals that bark incessantly. We’d like to draw attention in particular, to number 49**** and would like to enquire why no complaints have been lodged against them, but we have complaints against us.

In no way do we wish to turn this into a complaint about number 49, we’re merely using this as an example of the fact that we all have dogs, and all of our dogs do what dogs do: they bark. Everyone has dogs, and no one complains about anyone else’s dogs, because they know that their dogs make just as much noise.

We are aware that the rules of this complex are to the effect that we are permitted to have pets, as long as there are no formal complaints against them lodged by anyone within this complex. As such, we do not see how a complaint from the neighbouring complex, which is far noisier than this complex, can affect us.

In the interests of good neighbourly conduct; we’d be more than happy to rectify the situation to the satisfaction of our neighbouring complex, provided that they tend to those complaints we highlighted above, first.*****

Yours sincerely,

{Insert my real name here}

********************************************

*This is no exaggeration. This child has been crying non-stop for about 6 months. I don’t know wtf goes on there. The Boyfriend has had many barneys with the parents of that child, but still it cries. I feel terribly sorry for that child.
** The Boyfriend was helping me compose this letter. He originally wanted me to put “the bantu music that blares over our wall almost non-stop” – (terrible, I know) – but check, I can be diplomatic, right?

*** Seriously. That poodle needs to be exterminated. They aren’t even allowed pets in the complex next door. And yet, someone has a FUCKING MALTESE POODLE. And they still have the BALLS to complain about my Jack Russel and my sausage dog? Fuck them.
****The dodgy c_unts in number 49 are a whole blog post on their own, seriously.
*****See? see? Translation of this paragraph: fuck you. I’m not doing anything unless you do something first. Until then, please feel free to fuck yourself.

I emailed this about two days ago. To the estate agent person. And to the chairperson of my complex. Cue radio silence. No snotty phone calls, no emails, no messages at security, no fines, no knocks on my door.

Fucking chickens.

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19 Responses to Diplomatic. I Can Do It.

  1. Tara says:

    Bwahhahaa. I actually got asked to write one about a constantly screaming child the other day. I was less diplomatic 😉

    Welcome to complex life. It’s just awesome like this.

    P.S. You will get told now what a bitch you are about your dogs barking 😛

  2. wobbly01 says:

    I FEEL YOUR PAIN I HAVE 3 JACK AND A BULLMASTIFF CROSS (I DONT LIVE IN A COMPLEX HENCE ALL THE DOGS) AND I ALSO HAD SOME NEIGHBOURS COMPLAINING ABOUT BARKING DOGS (NEVER MIND THAT MY NEIGHBOUR AND THE 3 HOUSES ACROSS THE ROAD FROM ME HAVE DOGS THAT HOWL AT 3 IN THE MORNING I EVENTUALLY SAID TO THEM MY DOGS WILL STOP BARKING WHEN YOURS DECIDE TO STOP HOWLING-ALSO TURNED OUT THAT IT WASNT ALWAYS MY DOGS THAT WERE MAKING THE NOISE OH WAIT IT GETS BETTER WE HAVE A BLOCK OF IN THE SAME ROAD AND THERE WERE THESE OLD FARTS THAT REALLY HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR LIVES BUT COMPLAIN ABOUT BARKING DOGS ONE NITE WE CAUGHT THEM WALKING THE STREETS AND ANTOGONIZING ALL THE DOGS IN THE ROAD. THE JUST OF THE STORY IS NO DOG WILL BARK 4 THE SAKE OF IT THEY ONLY DO IT FOR A REASON TELL YOUR NEIBOURS TO GET A LIFE

  3. Shebee says:

    I’M TESTING THIS FUCKING STUPID CAPS FUNCTION OF YOUR COMMENTS SECTION.
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..There is a movement happening: #SpeakZA =-.

  4. Shebee says:

    Awesome. Why the fuck can Gobby get her comments in normal case, and I can’t?

    Anyway:

    Hahaha. Fuck I love it when you get angry, you’re always the funniest.

    And I can so imagine The BF sitting there trying to convince you to say Bantu. Snortcopter.

    Good luck for your wizz-dum’s removal tomorrow.

    xx
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..There is a movement happening: #SpeakZA =-.

  5. Shebee says:

    Oh, look at that. They’re in normal caps. Turns out that you’ve had the settings changed and that wobbly01 above me there is just a stupid fucker for typing in caps.

    Cool.
    .-= Shebee´s last blog ..There is a movement happening: #SpeakZA =-.

  6. ExMi says:

    Sheena, wtf are you on about?

  7. StevenMcD says:

    Well done!

  8. Absolute brilliance! I feel for that poor child, but sometimes I think my neighbours feel the same about my brood. And according to me, the race of the Maltese poodle need to be terminated. Now! Overgrown tampons.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Today…. =-.

  9. kristen says:

    I am having the exact same issue. They are dogs -WTF! And do you think anyone will do anything to shut up the hundereds (no I am not exagerating)of maids/gardeners/school kids who walk past my fense talking on the top of their voices causing my dogs to bark. I actually have to remove my dogs from my complex while I am at work now because of the complaints. Good luck – I hope things work out better for you.

  10. Tanya says:

    ok – random…

    i quote your letter:

    “And they still have the BALLS to complain about my Jack Russel and my sausage dog? ”

    … why does your Jack Russel get his breed in capital letters… but the poor lowly little sausage dog doesn’t…
    ag shampies!
    Sausage Dogs are people too, hey!
    .-= Tanya´s last blog ..I am… (F2F challenge) =-.

  11. Jeanette says:

    PMSL!! This is why we moved into a house 🙂 I couldn’t take the pettiness any longer.
    .-= Jeanette´s last blog ..82/365 – New Mini Moos =-.

  12. Louisa says:

    Aaah yes, very diplomatic! 🙂

    As they say: good fences makes for good neighbours, right? It’s this kind of bullshit that makes me unsuitable for complex living. I’ve tried it – it wasn’t my bag of fries. Once had an idiot complain to me that my dog tried to bite him every time he looked over my fence…spot the problem right there nosy parker. Luckily I had wangled myself onto the body corporate and all his complaints got the do not pass go treatment from it.
    .-= Louisa´s last blog ..Bloody Thursday…I’m glad I’m done with you =-.

  13. Fairy Girl says:

    You have such a way with words, love reading your blog. I had to get rid of my basset hound a few years back because my neighbour complained that he barked to much. I was furious, needless to say my mom took him as they are basset lovers!
    .-= Fairy Girl´s last blog ..The winner =-.

  14. blackhuff says:

    I always say that if a certain complex do not want noise polution, then they must rather decide to not allow people with animals or kids in living in that certain complex.

    And old people tend to complain a lot about nitty gritty things like animals barking and children screaming (playing).

    I am happy that you have written this letter, took a stand.

  15. Hardspear says:

    Good on you!
    .-= Hardspear´s last blog ..My bladder vs traffic =-.

  16. Angel says:

    I am impressed!
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..Speak Out South Africa! =-.

  17. Dawn says:

    Lived in a flat overlooking the glorious pool. Every weekend the music (as described by yr b/f) was played full volume. Till we hooked up the Marantz, and played some obnoxious metal choonz.

    Didn’t work on the 7am weekend Abba neighbour though.. Bastards moved out literally 2 weeks before our place sold.

    Love yr letter, i needed your writing skills back in teh day. Lmao.

  18. Pingback: Tweets that mention ExMi » Diplomatic. I Can Do It. -- Topsy.com

  19. Bobbi Janay says:

    Keep us informed with what happens.

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