Is There Something Wrong With Me?

….because I don’t want to go through all of *this* again?

I watch my friends who have kids the same age as mine, desperately happy that they’re on their second babies. Happily pregnant with another future shitting-crying-hungry baby. Happily rubbing their evergrowing bellies and discussing formulas and breast feeding and pregnancy pillows. It makes me shudder.

I can think of nothing worse, right now, than having another baby. Nothing worse than going through another four and a half months of puking. Forty weeks of feeling bloated, uncomfortable and short of breath. Nothing worse than having ANOTHER person need me. Need me constantly. I can’t picture how I would manage a newborn, a toddler and a full-grown man.

I can’t picture how there would be enough love inside my heart for another baby. Everything I have goes to my Kid and his father. All of it. Can there be any more left over after that?

I don’t feel I’ve done a good enough job being a mother to my son, to justify doing it a second time. If I’m not doing it right with just one, how will I feel when there are two small things that call me mommy?

Is there something wrong with me that I really, really, really don’t want to do this all over again?

I’m perfectly happy with what I have – why would I want to change it?

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26 Responses to Is There Something Wrong With Me?

  1. Super Sarah says:

    I wouldn’t say there was something wrong with you at all but I can relate. I couldn’t imagine having enough love for another child and I was fulfilled with just Amy in my life, but we decided to have another baby, for her sake, not ours. (even though mygod, when Stella was born she was ALL MINE!) Its hard to explain without reducing parenting and children to hideous cliches but basically we live a long way from my family, my husband and I both only have a sister each, neither of whom are likely to have their own children and so it might end up that Amy is the only child in our entire extended family. What a burden on her as all us adults get older and more decrepid. Getting pregnant again wasn’t to indulge the masochist in me (re all the pregnancy side effects you mention!) but more to realise a desire we both had to create a family of some sorts down the line. Now ironically all I desire is to be pregnant again and have another little shitter. Weird that. I thought I was done at two!

  2. There is nothing wrong with you! There are people who want many kids, some that only want one and others that don’t want any. As you said, you’re happy with what you’ve got, why change things?
    .-= JessicaGiggles´s last blog ..10 things I learnt this weekend =-.

  3. NickiD says:

    Firstly, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT??? Look how happy your Kid is!? You’re doing THE BEST JOB EVER! Okay?

    Secondly, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I believe that when (and even IF) you’re ready, you’re ready. It might be today, tomorrow or in ten years’ time!

    Look at me … a few weeks ago I was DESPERATE to have another baby. Then a week or so later I was a little unsure about what I wanted. And now I DON’T WANT ANOTHER ONE. Not yet, anyway. When my little RED fairy godmother came to visit me last night (after WAY more than the usual 28 days, which had me stressing BIG TIME) I did a MAJOR happy-dance. I am LOVING the 3 of us … loving that I WANT to go back to work … loving how cute my Monkey has started to get.

    Sometimes other people struggle to see how you could be happy with what you’ve got and that you should, in fact, always be wanting MORE.

    I’m with you here girl, let’s enjoy what we have NOW!!!
    xxx
    .-= NickiD´s last blog ..Beautiful Beanie =-.

  4. Lamourdemere says:

    There are no rules that say you have to want to do it again. You definitely don’t need to defend only wanting one child. If it’s just not for you, then that is that. There are so many upsides to having just one – so much more you can give one child. For the record, I’ve just done the baby and toddler thing.. baby now 9 months, toddler 2 years, and it was heavy going. But I agree with Super Sarah – surprisingly (to me as much as anyone else)I am all ready for number 3 now..

  5. cath says:

    1. theres nothing wrong with you.
    2. im oscillating at the moment, between OMFG I NEED TO DO THIS AGAIN vs OMFG NEVER AGAIN. But I get you. In one way, fuck im glad the baby days are over.
    3. you read my mind posting this today. just saying x
    .-= cath´s last blog ..Zephyr =-.

  6. Rich Edge says:

    1. You are the PERFECT mother for your kid. And if you doubt that, just ask him 😉 No, seriously. You’re the best mom your kid could have.

    2. I have two kids. One is a year old. It’s taken its toll on our relationship, our finances and our lives. I love both my kids, that’s not the issue. It’s not necessary to have another one, really.

  7. Tara says:

    There’s nothing wrong with you.

    Your kid is alive and smiling in most photos so you’re doing something right. Actually I’m told you’ll never feel like a good enough mother. But that might be a myth.

    I’m gonna go to to Caths blog now through the commentluv link because I feel like I need to get to know her more. Just thought I’d share that with you too. Completely unrelated.
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..I need you- oh baby- oh baby =-.

  8. blackhuff says:

    There’s nothing wrong with you. You do what feels right for you and not what others expect from you.

  9. Jeanette says:

    I get those feelings… makes perfect sense to me.
    .-= Jeanette´s last blog ..197-365 – A tiny town =-.

  10. Angela says:

    If there were something wrong with women who didn’t want to get pregnant again, there would be no “only-children” in the world. (And seeing as how Phil is an only-child, I think they turn out just fine.)
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..Whirled World- Part III- Athens =-.

  11. No dude, definitely nothing wrong with you. Moms impress me. I don’t think i would be able to do it as well as you are, you’re pretty amazing. But if one is enough, then one is enough. You did your part for population. Plus the kid will one day have a best friend instead of a sibling.
    .-= Jean Pant… wiff a dog´s last blog .. =-.

  12. Kerryn says:

    There is nothing wrong with you. I feel the exact same way. I LOVE babies, but only other peoples babies.

    I did not do well with the baby years for Ciara. I much prefer her as a little person!

    Some people are just satisfied with 1 kid, and that’s fine.

    I’m a great mom, and so are you. But we are also only human, and screwing stuff up sometimes is normal.
    .-= Kerryn´s last blog ..My lifes mission =-.

  13. Wenchy says:

    I really wanted Kevin…. and Liam, well I got pregnant on the pill…. and Victoria I wanted ’cause I wanted to have a baby with her father… would I do it again? I don’t know.

    Dion doesn’t want any kids with me, or otherwise.. I wouldn’t mind one more… but I think that is a romantic notion more than anything else.

  14. danyelle says:

    i don’t think there’s anything wrong. in fact, i think there’s something inherently right. your un-want to add to your wonderful little family, based solely on the fact that you just “don’t wanna”, makes you pretty unselfish to boot. the beauty with being a woman is that that you have a choice in what to do with your womb. i say leave it empty. you said it yourself – you’re perfectly happy with what you already have. (by the way… you are doing a fabulous job with that amazing Kid.)

  15. Angel says:

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to have another baby.
    Perhaps it will happen later for you, if ever.
    .-= Angel´s last blog ..Be A Virtual Guest At AnGlugWedding! =-.

  16. Bobbi Janay says:

    That is the joy of being a parent it is your choice to do it again if you want.
    .-= Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..Dog Days of Summer =-.

  17. verybadcat says:

    I don’t have the babehs. My cousin, though, announced after she had her daughter that she was done. She said that she just wanted one, because she planned to give the kid all of her and as much of the world as she could. Sounded like something admirable, and not remotely unnatural or wrong.

    The best thing you can do as a mother is do what you think is right for you and your family, and there’s nothing wrong with that…

  18. Oh I am certainly done and if my biological clock was not ticking so fast I would definitely have spaced them further apart. I am 100% sure I do not want to do it over again. But two things I can tell you:
    1. My second pregnancy was way easier than the first – even though it was twins and is suppose to be so much more difficult.
    2. I am an only child. It’s not fair. The older I get the more I wish I had siblings. So there’s another thought.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Cape Town day 2 =-.

  19. kyknoord says:

    Happiness? What’s that got to do with anything? With seditious talk like that, you’re just begging for a “friendly” visit from the Procreation Police.
    .-= kyknoord´s last blog ..Luddites of the world unite! =-.

  20. I couldn’t even imagine having one baby right now.
    .-= The Boob Nazi´s last blog ..Question- =-.

  21. Alet says:

    I think planning a pregnancy and being in a position to chose makes one hell of a difference.

    I’ve been up and down regarding the second child thing. I would love a little girl to dress up in pink, with pony tails and handbags. But thinking of University fees freak me out a bit.

    Naturally at the moment I am thinking of another 😛
    .-= Alet´s last blog ..how I became a Fiancée- =-.

  22. Laura says:

    Nope nothing wrong with that at all. More women need to be more honest with how they feel about it and not have second and even first kids cos they think its the expected thing to do.

    There is enough love though – it comes free with the baby 🙂

  23. daisy says:

    of course there isn’t anything wrong with you!! Sometimes I don’t even think I want ONE kid!! (hahahaha! Just realized maybe that isn’t a very good example because there are PLENTY of things wrong with me!!)

    It sounds to me that either 1 – you have thought this through and are making an informed decision (which means you are responsible and not the average person – kudos to you!)

    oooorrrr there is a teeny tiny possibility that these are insecurities masking themselves as “informed decisions.” We are all our own worst critics – I bet you’re doing a much better job than you think.
    .-= daisy´s last blog ..8 hours of Anne … wahoo! =-.

  24. Dawn says:

    It’s as if you dug in my brain and wrote this from my thoughts…

  25. karen says:

    well said. i took the plunge and had another… just when you think you dont have the ability to love any more, you just do. and its overwhelming. 🙂

  26. Victoria Herold says:

    hi there! I saw your expo in this month’s Living and Loving magazine and I thought I would check out your blog. I came across this blog and it really made sense to me. I was so desperate to have a baby when I was 28, so my husband and I started trying and within 4 months I was preggers. I had a great pregnancy, no morning sickness, not too much weight gain, the only side effect was heartburn and glugging litres of gaviscon. Anyway, then my baby boy was born and …. my whole world fell apart. I struggled to breastfeed him and everyone around me was pressurizing me to continue, so I did and eventually got the hang of it. I am actually glad I persevered because in the end I enjoyed it. But besides that, I couldn’t cope with the sleep deprivation, and I developed postnatal depression which was awful. I was put on an antidepressant which helped but I still had thoughts of regret for having done this and “ruining” my life. So when I read your blog I was relieved that somebody else out there also can’t imagine wanting to have a second baby. I am not sure I could go through all of that again! what for? who for?

    anyway, thanks for a great blog with lots of interesting reads…

    Victoria

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