All I Need Is A Bullhorn, A Tazer & A Flame-Thrower

Generally, I’m quite a laid-back person. Despite my parents nick-naming me “Tantrum” as a child, it takes a lot to make me cross. Not lately, however. Despite the baby currently being no bigger than a lentil (or something) it has filled me with a rage of epic proportions. This rage usually emerges in traffic and is entirely unparalleled.

I have now made an oath with myself that I will not let anyone cut in front of me (where lanes merge from 2 or more into 1) if they’re not indicating. Fuck you, I’d rather damage my car than do it. If I can indicate, YOU can indicate. (Yes, this means you, YOU CUNTY BMW DRIVERS) HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SMELL WHAT YOU PLAN ON DOING IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR INDICATORS?

It’s not on need-to-know basis, it’s not top-secret information, it’s FUCKING CIVILISED BEHAVIOUR TO USE YOUR INDICATORS. So I get a little testy when a non-indicating driver just pushes in front of me, even when there’s not really much space in front of me to do so. (I have spoken before about how much it FUCKS ME OFF when people use my safe following distance as their invitation to cut in front of me). Read this from the Oatmeal.

These days it doesn’t take much to reduce me to a foaming-at-the-mouth rage-aholic.

I have to mentally talk myself down from just SLAMMING my foot on the accelerator and ramming my car into the offending vehicle. THERE! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PUSHING IN IN FRONT OF ME NOW, JERK?! Wanna go again?

Whilst fighting the urge to dissolve into rage of HULKSMASH proportions, I noticed a few things:

It’s always men who are the jerkface drivers (girls aren’t jerkface drivers. girls are generally polite). Wow, men are fucking RUDE and antagonistic. You see I’m a woman and you’re pretty certain I’m not capable of much, so you don’t have to worry about me, so you fucking try and BAIT ME. Case in point: douchebag driver CUTS IN FRONT OF ME SANS-INDICATORS when 3 lanes merge to 2.

The only people who use this little side-stream-about-to-disappear lane are the rude bastards that cannot wait for their turn in traffic – they effectively use this lane to push in front of two lanes of traffic after the robot. They drive straight, from a turning lane, into this non-lane. Because they’re so fucking important that they don’t have to wait to do anything. And then expect ME to let THEM in. WITHOUT INDICATING.

So back to case-in-point douchebag driver. (BMW driver. And yes, a man) Said driver pushes in front of me. I’m mildly ticked off and I give him a WTF-YO (brief) hoot and shake my head. He slams on brakes and refuses to move. Traffic is backing up behind me, and this jerk is not moving. I lay on the hooter. Others lay on the hooter. I open my window. Profanities fly out. Still he refuses to move. We exchange hand gestures. Eventually he moves. By this stage I am fuming. Wishing for a flame-thrower and a rocket launcher. At the very least a fucking bullhorn so he could hear me clearly when I insulted his manhood and called him a limp dick moron.

And as I sped past him down the road, he gave me the finger. I showed him the jack-off gesture while wondering if he’d have done the same if I wasn’t a girl. Would he have been that quick to antagonise me if I was a man? What would he have done if I’d leaped out my car and punched him in the face? Or at the very least given him a small tap with a Tazer?

So now. I am amending my birthday list. I’m taking back my statement to the effect that I don’t want presents. I do want presents. Please gift me the following:

  • 1 x bull horn/loud speaker
  • 1 x airhorn (a lot more satisfying than using the car’s regular hooter)
  • 1 x flamethrower (I promise to use it sparingly, only in VERY deserving cases)
  • 1 x rocket-launcher (again, same promise)
  • 1 x Tazer* (I cannot promise to be discretionary with this)

Or, if you don’t agree with any of the above, please get me a chauffeur. Why?

* Also. Quick question. Does tazer’ing someone count as assault?

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8 Responses to All I Need Is A Bullhorn, A Tazer & A Flame-Thrower

  1. SheBee says:

    I cannot believe that you dedicated an entire blog post to your pregnancy grump whilst in traffic.

    SheBee´s last blog post ..A pain in the neck

  2. Gina says:

    This made my day!
    I would ask Paul about the Tazer thing 🙂
    Gina´s last blog post ..iPhoneography SA 2nd annual exhibition

  3. Flarkus says:

    After being cut off by a mommy in a Fortuner and then almost run off the road when I hooted, I disagree vehemently about men always being the jerkface drivers. There is no demographic for poor driving, it’s found across the entire spectrum

  4. blackhuff says:

    Oooo, reading your post is exactly what I feel like on the road as well. Not only when people don’t use their indicators but also when they just don’t have road manners at all. Where did you get your darn licence from? Go do it again!
    blackhuff´s last blog post ..A proud mother

  5. Angel says:

    Ooh you and me both! Fucknuts should all be locked up!
    Angel´s last blog post ..Win A Tomato!

  6. MeeA says:

    Brilliant, Chick. And very much the same way I was, especially during pregnancy.
    Lately, I don’t have to drive around much, which is great. But my latest peeve on the road is those assholes with their squeegees and 2l bottles of water with dishwashing liquid. I’m often tempted to go back and flatten them with my car. Sadly, I’ve uttered as much to too many people now, so there’d be no way I could call it an accident. 🙁
    Something I found helped me to keep calm while my hormones raged was Jungle Juice. I know most people only drink it AFTER they’ve had the baby, but it’s also a great tonic for that very exhausting 1st trimester – and the duration of the pregnancy.
    MeeA´s last blog post ..Whore-Moans

  7. wi3sa says:

    I feel your traffic-pain, but please don’t ruin your pretty car thanks to an idiot driving a german-ish vehicle. Not worth it.

    It is, however, hilarious, to read your rant. I had tears in my eyes. Maybe because this is all too close to home.

  8. Bernadine says:

    I drive that same road and get just as pissed off when I am in the lane that is next to the side-stream-about-to-disappear lane. I refuse to make a gap for the bastards!

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