My fiancé and I have been together six years. For five of those years, we’ve been parents. This is not new news, but occasionally I need to remind myself of this fact.
The truth is, I can’t remember my life before him. I can’t remember what it was like being single and child-free. That part of my life feels like it happened to someone else. Eons ago.
All I have right now is him. Him and our two boys and our life together. The thought of being without him? My biggest fear. So much so that I dream (have nightmares) about it regularly.
It’s always the same. The end of the world (zombie apocalypse style end of the world) is imminent and I can’t find him anywhere. We were doing something separate before the news of the End hit and I can’t find my way back to him.
I have this sense that if I can just find him, it will be okay, even if we’re about to get overrun with zombies or Captain Trips is about to wipe us all out. (Only Stephen King fans will get the “Captain Trips” reference.)
I’m never worried about where my children are. They never feature in these nightmares and it’s pretty clear to me that there’s no hidden meaning in this dream. He is my safe place. He will shoot me in the face if I become a zombie. He’ll protect me from the undead. He will solve my problems and make me feel better.
His worst recurring nightmare? Losing The Kid. I’m pretty sure that this fear has doubled now that we have two sons. His dream, as he tells it to me, is that The Kid is missing. It usually involves a large body of water and we can’t find him and the search parties are being called off. But that he can’t let go or stop looking.
Will these dreams ever come true? I hope not to have to find out.